Finding Healing in a Broken World
Have you ever felt the sting of betrayal from someone you trusted? Or experienced the slow, painful erosion of a relationship that once brought joy? You're not alone. The Bible is filled with stories of hurtful relationships, from the very first dysfunctional family, Adam and Eve, when Cain killed Abel to David's heartache when his son Absalom committed treason and took over the country. Even Jesus himself was betrayed by one of his own disciples.
Living in a World of Hurts
Let's face it, we live in a world of hurts. Rejection and pain start early in our lives, leaving emotional and sometimes physical scars from growing up in a broken world. For many, it started in childhood with words like, "you've been nothing but trouble since you've been born" or "why can't you be more like your brother?"
King David understood this pain deeply when he wrote, "For my father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in" (Psalm 27:10-11). Some of you have found yourselves surrounded by judgmental people who always point out your mistakes and tear you down and tell you that your best is never enough. Others deal with controlling, manipulative people who try to intimidate you, or volatile individuals who make you walk on eggshells because rage is a great manipulator.
As God looks down upon us, he sees all the hurts in your heart and his heart reaches out to you and he wants to bring healing if you will let him. Remember his promise in Psalm 34:18: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
The Gift of Forgiveness
Why do I call forgiveness a gift? Because it's not about the other person, it's about you. God has given us the ability to forgive those who have hurt us because without it we will be prisoners in our own minds, letting that person who hurt us live rent-free in our minds and our heart.
In Colossians 3:13, the Apostle Paul said, "Make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
Forgiveness is something we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt that they owe us. It's important to understand that forgiveness unhooks me from the hurtful person. Then I can act responsibly and wisely. However, to continue to open yourself up to an emotionally abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.
Establishing Proper Boundaries
What do you do with those difficult people in your life? How do you handle someone who's out of control or trying to control you?
If you're going to live and work around out-of-control people, you're going to need some pretty strong boundaries to keep from getting swept away in their craziness. Remember, you were created in the image of God. You were not created in the image of God to be controlled and manipulated by someone else. As Galatians 5:1 reminds us, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
Boundary Guidelines:
Love others without rescuing: You can't be more concerned about taking care of somebody's well-being than they are about themselves. Galatians 6:2,5 teaches us to "carry each other's burdens," but also that "each one should carry their own load."
Learn to confront in love: Everybody needs the truth, because everybody has blind spots. Matthew 18:15 says, "If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault. But do it privately, just between yourselves."
Say no when it's best to say no: If you can't say no, then you're going to be best friends with telemarketers. Jesus taught in Matthew 5:37, "All you need to say is simply yes or no. Anything beyond this comes from the evil one."
Give consequences if necessary: Sometimes you have to move beyond just 'no' and give consequences. Proverbs 19:19 reminds us, "A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty. Rescue them and you'll have to just do it again."
Moving Toward Security
Our brain wiring causes us to naturally be drawn to meaningful relationships. Our relationships will naturally grow closer together if it's a safe environment. A safe environment means being free from criticism, controlling behavior, abusive language, nagging, and personal attacks.
Putting It Into Practice
Be a cheerleader, not a critic: By cheering on your important relationships, you build a reservoir of goodwill that provides strength and love and a safe environment where relationships can flourish.
Practice extravagant love: As Paul wrote in Ephesians 5:1-2, "Mostly what God does is love you. So keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious, but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us, but in order to give everything of himself to us. Love like that."
Forgive for your freedom: Release the debt others owe you, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.
Set loving boundaries: Protect your heart while still offering grace to others.
God's plan and hope for you is that you would find real love in this world, love from God and love from others. Even though dealing with hurt isn't easy, God has given us ways to heal and move forward into the blessing of his love.
Reflection
What relationship in your life currently causes you the most pain? Have you been able to forgive this person in your heart, even if reconciliation hasn't occurred?
In what ways might you be enabling harmful behavior in others by "rescuing" them from the natural consequences of their actions?
How safe is the atmosphere you create in your relationships? Do you contribute to security or insecurity through your words and actions?
Where do you need to establish better boundaries in your relationships, and what is preventing you from doing so?
Application
Today, take one step toward healthier relationships by applying these principles:
Forgive without necessarily reconciling. Forgiveness is something you do in your heart, releasing someone from a debt they owe you. It's a gift to yourself that unhooks you from the hurtful person.
Establish proper boundaries. Love others without rescuing them from their responsibilities. Learn to confront in love. Say "no" when necessary. Give consequences if needed.
Create an atmosphere of security. Be your loved ones' greatest cheerleader rather than their critic. Remember that relationships naturally grow closer in safe environments free from criticism, controlling behavior, and personal attacks.
Model Christ's love. As Paul writes, "Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious, but extravagant." Aim to love others not to get something from them, but to give of yourself.
Prayer
God, thank you for being close to the brokenhearted. You see the hurts in my relationships and desire to bring healing. Give me the courage to forgive those who have wounded me, not to excuse their behavior, but to free myself from the prison of resentment. Help me establish healthy boundaries that honor both myself and others. Teach me to create atmospheres of security in my relationships where love can flourish. Most of all, show me how to love like Jesus, not cautiously, but extravagantly, giving of myself rather than seeking to get. In Jesus' name, Amen.
