Building a Better Marriage
Our culture sends completely contradictory messages about marriage. On one hand, we're told that romantic love is the ultimate goal of life. We need to find someone who will "complete" us and make all our dreams come true. On the other hand, when marriage doesn't deliver that fairy tale happiness, we're told it's disposable. We need to start by understanding God's purpose for marriage before we can talk about how to build a better one.
The Cultural Marriage Trap
When I look at our culture today, I see two opposite and wrong ideas about marriage, and when we think about it for a minute, we'll see why these two ideas can't coexist. We've elevated romantic love and sexual gratification to one of our greatest values, bombarding ourselves with messages that these things give life meaning. Yet because marriage is seen as a means to personal satisfaction, it's also seen as disposable if that end isn't being reached.
The statistics tell a sobering story: 41% of first marriages now end in divorce, in an average of 8 years after marriage. That's down from the statistical highs in the 80s and 90s, when the 50% statistic was closer to reality. But 41% is still really high, 2 out of every 5 marriages. Even more concerning, 60% of divorcing couples cite the ambiguous 'irreconcilable differences' as the primary reason for their divorce.
What I really want us to understand is how these mixed cultural messages are setting so many marriages up for failure. On the one hand, we're being told to expect far more from our romantic partners than they're able to give, and on the other, we're being told that if our partner isn't meeting our needs, we should find someone else who will.
Marriage: God's Gift, Not Life's Requirement
Here's a liberating truth: No other human being can possibly fill that void in your life, because only God can and will provide everything you need to truly be made whole! Jesus himself confirmed this in Matthew 22:30 when he said, "At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."
The Apostle Paul, writing in 1 Corinthians 7:7, actually wished "everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another." Paul understood that singleness is a gift, not a curse, and marriage is also a gift, not a curse.
Marriage Is for Your Holiness, Not Just Your Happiness
While God wants your marriage to be joyful, if you're only looking for marriage to bring you happiness and fulfillment, you're going to end up disappointed.
From the very beginning, as recorded in Genesis 2:18, "the Lord God said, 'It isn't good for man to be alone; I will make a companion for him, a helper suited to his needs.'" God's design was for spouses to complement one another, not in a way that makes them unequal, but in a way that affirms how good it is that they are not the same.
The prophet Malachi reveals God's deeper purpose in Malachi 2:15: "God, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that's what." Marriage becomes the proving ground for growing in holiness, for a husband and wife to become more godly people.
Built on Mutual Submission
The foundation of godly marriage, found in Ephesians 5:21, starts with this radical concept: "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." This isn't about losing yourself in marriage, it's an invitation to put aside your own will and act in the best interest of another person.
Paul's instructions to both husbands and wives were revolutionary for his time. While calling wives to submit wasn't unusual in ancient culture, Paul's challenge here is far more radical for husbands. He calls husbands to "love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).
Reflection
Am I making every effort to promote peace with my spouse and build them up instead of tearing them down? Consider how your words and actions either edify or diminish your partner.
Am I in this marriage for myself, or am I in it for them? Reflect honestly on whether you're seeking to be served or to serve sacrificially like Christ.
How is God using the daily realities and challenges of my marriage to work off my rough edges and help me grow in Christlikeness? Think about specific ways your spouse helps reveal areas where you need spiritual growth.
Does our marriage demonstrate to the world the sacrificial love of Christ for the Church? Evaluate whether others can see Christ's love reflected in how you treat each other.
Application
This week, put mutual submission into practice by asking yourself daily: "How can I use my power, influence, and resources for my spouse's benefit today?" Focus on setting aside your own will to act in your spouse's best interest. Choose one specific area where you've been putting your needs first and intentionally prioritize your spouse's growth and wellbeing instead. Remember, you're not just building a happy marriage, you're participating in God's work of making you both more holy and demonstrating his love to a watching world.
Prayer
God, thank you for the gift of marriage and for using it to make us more like Jesus. Forgive us for the times we've treated our spouse as a means to our own happiness rather than as a partner in growing in holiness. Help us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, putting aside our selfish desires to serve sacrificially. Show us how to love like you love, with patience, kindness, and self-sacrifice. Use our marriage as a witness to your incredible love for the Church. When we face difficulties, remind us that you are working through even the small details to transform us into the people you created us to be. May our union reflect the profound mystery of Christ's love for his bride, the Church. In Jesus' name, Amen
